Living with depression

Something that has been on my heart for quite some time now is depression and how many mommas are dealing with or have dealt with it. I feel like more and more people are starting to talk about depression, but I don’t feel like there is enough out there to really help people learn ways to cope or get through it.

As I’ve said throughout this blog so far, I have had depression for quite sometime and of course that comes with highs and super low lows. There’s been some things that have definitely made it worse for me, like almost dying at the age of 19 and going through a horrible custody battle with my step daughter. Both are things that I will definitely cover in the future.

Depression is hard enough, but what about postpartum depression? I just feel it on my heart to talk about that. I know I could have really used someone to talk to when I was going through postpartum depression. I remember the day someone told me to basically toughen up and depression wasn’t real and it absolutely broke me.

When I had my now 2 year old, I had pretty severe postpartum depression. I never had postpartum depression before. I did however have pretty hard pregnancies that required daily stomach injections, but as I told you in my intro, there will be many future posts. That will be in a later one πŸ™‚

Postpartum depression is awful. One of the scariest/awful things to go through. There are also many different types of postpartum depression. Some girls feel a disconnect with their baby and sometimes don’t even want it for a short period of time. I’ve talked to people that started to feel like it would be better off if they didn’t have the baby. That never happened to me, but I know it has happened to a lot of mommas. If you dealt with it or are dealing with it, then I want to tell you that it’s ok! I also want to tell you that the reason you’re feeling that way is nothing that you did or didn’t do. It’s all those dang hormones and how fast they drop, which causes chemical changes in our brain. Eventually it goes away… That I can promise you.

My story:

Here I was with my gorgeous new baby boy that God blessed me with. I had wanted another baby so bad, and not to mention a son. I always wanted that momma’s boy type of bond, but mind you, I would have been super blessed and happy if God blessed us with our 4th girl. I was just wanting another baby so bad! Finally I talked my husband into it (which explains the age gap) SO here I was with this precious baby boy that I prayed and hoped for for so long! And yet, I was so miserable… I mean, I was so happy that he was here and healthy, but I had this weird feeling that I was failing my girls and I had this very overwhelming feeling of sadness. My boy was born a couple days into my girl’s summer break and I was exclusively breastfeeding ALL the time, I couldn’t go swimming with them, Daxton was on the boob 24/7, my hormones were going crazy, and I would just look at my kids and felt like I was the biggest failure. I was just SO dang sad! To this day I can’t explain just HOW sad I was or WHY I was so sad. I cried SO much. I had these crazy feelings that left me up in the early hours of the morning just bawling my eyes out. I would sit there and breastfeed in silence and just cry. I’m only human and I would even cry sometimes in front of my other kids and I felt so bad for that. I also hated to be alone when my husband needed to go to work, so my husband ended up taking the first week off of work with ZERO pay, because mentally, I wasn’t doing good. I mean, I still took all the pictures in the world of my new baby. I knew how much I loved my kids. That has been something that has never changed. I love my kids so much that it seriously hurts. But I couldn’t take the way I was feeling. It got to the point where I didn’t want to live anymore. I literally just had this overwhelming feeling that the feelings I was feeling would NEVER go away and I thought that I just could not live anymore with the feelings I was feeling.


The feeling of not wanting to live anymore is something I was never able to tell people at the time. I knew if I told someone, I would be considered suicidal and be put in a mental hospital. I’m the type of mom that HATES being away from my kids. Honestly, its a problem and also will be talked about in the future. but if I had to leave my new born and my little girls who were adjusting to life with a baby, just so I could be in a mental hospital, I would LOSE it! I also feel that being put in a mental hospital is something that needs to change. Why would someone go and talk to someone about suicidal thoughts when they know that is coming? THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY!!

One of my saving graces, was my husband. He helped me so much at the time and I don’t know what I would have done if he wasn’t there for me during all of that. He didn’t understand what I was feeling, but he acted and made it seem like he did. Even though I never told him my suicidal thoughts, he knew I wasn’t ok. My husband took us all to the zoo when my son was 2 weeks old. Yes, you read that right. 2 weeks old!! That’s something that with my other kids, I would have thought was crazy! But I needed to get out. I had to!  But we walked around the zoo and I remember being able to actually breathe that day! He would turn comedy on in the car, he would just hold my hand, he would just take me for little drives to get out, I had to just get out. He didn’t worry about me cooking, he would go grab food. After he went to work, he would call and check on me. I would go to the park and watch my baby girls have so much fun (all while holding my baby boy) my favorite was when my husband would come with us or even come to the store with us. I NEEDED that company. I would turn on music in the house.. And not the sappy music that makes you sad! I had to turn on my alternative rock that I listened to growing up and of course Christian songs, too. My mom was so awesome and gave me her oil diffuser and some oils to diffuse. I diffused balance and serenity ALL the time and ever since then, I can’t live without those oils. Just smelling those 2 oils mixed together just brings so much peace. But I mainly had to step out of the house. Getting out of the house is so important you guys. And I remember to a T, the first day those feelings started to subside. I remember all those little things helping me and how much I wanted to cry AGAIN, but not because I was sad, but because I was so happy to finally feel relief from that!


I’m here to tell you that it DOES get better. I promise promise promise it gets better. I remember being in that spot and not even THINKING  it wasn’t gonna get better, but in my head I KNEW it wasn’t going to get better and boy how I was SO wrong. I’m so glad I stuck it out and got through it. My family and I have made so many memories since then and I’m so happy that I’m here to be there for all the beautiful things that came AFTER that scary time. I mean sure, I still have my low days sometimes, and I think that’s something that is always gonna happen when you deal with depression, but I find stuff that helps now. I pour some epsom salt in and take a bath, I take my kids outside to breathe the fresh air.. Whether it is raining or sunny, we sit outside and breathe in fresh air! I go on drives, listen to music, pray pray pray pray pray, I use my oils still, and I started crossfit which has helped out MENTALLY so much! (I actually work out with a girl who got off of her antidepressants because working out has helped so much) Just get out and see the world around you. Even if it’s for a little walk or to the store. There’s a mall not far from where I live, that had a fountain. Going there and listening to that is relaxing. I sit with my kids and just have conversations with them about ANYTHING and just talking with those beautiful souls makes me realize how much purpose I have. Even if you don’t have kids, you have a purpose! I promise… There’s so many ways that can help you and having someone to talk to is so important, but not everyone will understand! And if you happen to not be able to find someone who understands, then come to me. I got you!! If you need to email me (my email is in my introduction) or need me to talk to, I will ALWAYS try and write you back.. I’ve lived it, so I will understand. I will never judge you and I can help give you ideas and ways to help. That was the main reason to start this blog, I want to help people who feel like they can’t do it.

There will be some bad times, but the good times that come, make your heart so happy and it outweighs the bad times πŸ’—

[[And if you haven’t dealt with depression or postpartum depression, just please try to understand and help someone who does. Just be there and comfort them. It could potentially save a life]] β™₯️🌻

I remember finally feeling happy and wanting to do silly things and finally feeling like I loved life again. Doing snap chats with my boy and just being so happy ❀️

3 thoughts on “Living with depression

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s