It’s ok to not be ok

Sometimes it’s hard to take our own advice. I feel like I could give you a meal plan on what to eat, and you could lose weight. But do I follow that same advice? Nope, although I do eat better now and there’s some days I kill it, I just don’t follow that advice. I can tell you so many ways to take care of yourself too, but do I do it myself? No. It’s the same as how I tell people all the time that if they need antidepressants, that it’s ok! But I didn’t take that same advice.

After I had my youngest, who is two years old, I was put on antidepressants because I was having severe postpartum depression. And even though I definitely started feeling better, I don’t think I was on the right medication. I did many other things to help myself mentally, so I’m not sure how much the medication was helping. After being on that medication for a little over a year and a half, I started realizing that I had been having the scariest dreams. And while my depression was under control, I started getting freaked out at night, almost to the point of paranoia. There were just some weird things like that happening and I didn’t like it at all. I talked to my doctor and because I have fibromyalgia, too, he thought that I could use a different antidepressant that would also help with pain.

For some reason, I was scared to stop the antidepressant I was on. I thought that switching the medication might mess with my head and the depression would return. For some reason, I was just scared and didn’t do it for a little while.

After talking with my mom, she freaked out a little when she found out what medication I was taking. My mom explained how she had read a lot of crazy stories about that medication, and no wonder I was having nightmares and weird things. Talking with her helped me decide to wean off the medication I was taking, and start my new ones.

I started taking the new medications and felt a lot better. And after about eight months, I felt so much better, that I was positive I no longer needed medication anymore. I thought I was fine on my own. Boy was I wrong.

All of this just happened recently and I started weaning myself off of my medication about two months ago. I started feeling weird around the fourth day, but I was determined to be off antidepressants.

It’s weird, because I tell people all the time that it’s OK if they need antidepressants. I tell them not to be ashamed and that sometimes, our brain has circuits that just don’t connect on their own and the medicine helps with that. There is NO shame in taking medication and honestly, would you rather not be on medication and be miserable? Or does your family need the happy you? There are also a lot of natural things to do, but sometimes it’s not good enough and It’s worth it to take medication if you need it! It’s all about quality of life, and it’s OK!

You’d think I know better, but I continued feeling ashamed that I need medicine and kept telling myself that I needed to get off them.

After a short while without medication, I started feeling sad. I felt so down and just wanted to cry. I went to the park one Sunday with my husband and kids and we had a great time, but in the back of my mind, I had anxiety. I felt weird and I felt very emotionally uncomfortable.

That night, I stayed up after everyone went to bed, and I started crying. I started feeling a little like my postpartum days and I just felt broken. So many thoughts ran through my mind. Something that is just hard to explain. I was just down.

I woke up the next day and felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. Why was I trying so hard to get off this medication? For what? It was clear I needed them and it upset me, because I just wanted to be normal. To top it off, I was flaring up due to fibromyalgia. Why did I feel like such a failure? I feel like people put a stigma on antidepressants and think that people are crazy if they take them, which just isn’t true!

We live ONE life you guys, so why be miserable? Just so you can say you’re not on medication? What’s the point in that? What does it matter to people if you take medication or not? This is YOUR life and no one else’s. Choose to do the things that make your life better. If you need medicine, PLEASE take it.

I realized this not only from myself, but from my amazing support. My mom and husband talked me through it and told me it’s ok to take medication if I need it. Maybe down the road I won’t need medication, but for now, I’m taking them and I am so happy! I feel myself and I almost feel free.

I also want to add that it’s important to do more than one thing to help with depression. If you take a medicine, don’t leave it up to the medicine to do all the work. Even though medicine helps so much, I would also do other things along with the medicine to help. Take walks, take baths, listen to music, oils, get out, get at least one thing done during the day to feel accomplished. It takes a lot of self care to be ok sometimes. And understand that some days are better than others. I say this ALL the time: Not everyday will be perfect, but those good times and good days make everything worth it.

But that’s why I haven’t posted anything in awhile. I was just kind of struggling. If you’re struggling with this, you’re not alone. If you need support, I’m here. Sometimes it makes the difference when you have people to talk to. Just talking with my mom and husband helped me in the decision to take them again. Having someone to talk to can be so important. I can be that person if you don’t have anyone. You can email or message me. I will be here with you through this and we can get through it. We will always get through it. 💗

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